i never thought in all these years, this would be the year i leave the continent for the first time, let alone flying for the first time.
it is scary, awesome, exciting, overwhelming, surreal, unimaginable and beautiful at the same time.
but i am going to america.
not europe, not asia, not australia, not antarctica (although i wanat to go there) but the united states of america.
leaving africa, my motherland.
of course i will be back, for some time, but a new life is what i have longed for, all my life.
my big sister asked me this earlier,[in my language]
“aa ga waa tshoga? (aren’t you scared)
– ke tshogile. mme ga ke tshoswe ke go pagama aeroplane, ke tshoga ke gore (i am scared. not cause i will be in an aeroplane. i am frightened by the fact that…) ‘i am living my dream. what if things go wrong?’-
“oskaawara. go tsile go tsamaya sharpo” (don’t worry, all is going to be well)
the kiss they shared is the worst they ever had.
worse than his, first too much tongue, girlfriend.
at that point he knew that it was over.
“can i ask you something?”
“do i annoy you when i am always too busy to talk to you?”
-yes. especially when you don’t tell me that you are busy-
“well, i am going to get busier, so we are going to grow apart”
-is this because i am going to america soon-
“no, not at all.”
but he knew in his heart that it over and never getting mended.
-what would you do if you knew that your leg is going to fall off the following day? would you sit down and look sad till it falls off, or you will spend time doing awesome kicks and running-
” i would go around kicking guys’ balls”
they shared their last laugh.
at the end of that night they hugged goodbye.
-you said goodbye-
“oh, sorry. see you soon”
at that instant, he knew it was indeed, truly over
when i falls in love, i fall hard and deep. like diving into the ocean from a height of 20 000 ft. diving at high speed in to the heart of the sea to the deepest centre where no man has ever reached. a spot where no light can ever shine.
when i fall in love, i fall hard & deep. so, she ended it. i am left in Mariana Trench, with no light from our love to lead me to the surface.
i am to wait here for a brave scuba diver to fall so hard too and come rescue me.
for now. i wait in darkness.
he has never been in love.
he lies about it.
he lies about how his body gets shivers when he thinks about her.
he lies about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her.
he lies about the feeling he gets when he hears her voice.
he lies and he can’t tell her.
in all his lies, he hopes that some of them would turn true.
see, he lies about what he longs for. what he desires. what he wants. he lies about them ’cause he yearns for them.
he has never been in love. he hopes to fall in Love one day.
he likes smelling his lips after they kiss.
a unique, sweet and foreign smell.
one he can never get used to.
with every inhale through his nose comes every memory of their kisses.
glands releasing strong juices of never ending pleasure.
nerves sending electrical signals and touch ends to energize the same feeling he gets whenever they kiss. all lies in the foreign smell.
after almost a week of not seeing one another, the reunion is quiet mind blowing.
for the first time since their first kiss, she initiated the kiss.
he can smell her.
it is a comforting smell.
as he gets ready for his mfa interview, her smell echos in his nostrils.
it calms his nerves.
through out the interview he knows it is the same smell that will ease his stutter.
« you are gonna do great. isn’t you said this is your thing? so, yah »
mind blowing lips.
“she will kiss you in all the wonderful places, so that you can’t go to any of them without thinking about her” – then she leaves you, or she dumps you, or she gets rid of you, or whichever words that mean a break up.
after she does that, you are a prisoner to your house.
a prisoner too to all the unpleasant sites of this city you live in.
in africa, we call it – witchcraft – (he actions that is). it is the highest of all evils.
what do you call it in your country?
have you ever been drained?
no, not of blood but of emotions?
well, it feels the same way as a blood drainage:
nausea, heaviness, laziness, sleepy, starving, wanting, lacking.
only that you have enough blood but them cells can’t seem to swim fast enough to the rescue.
you want to sleep it off but your body says “no, you’ve had enough of that already. get your behind up and get a blood transfusion”
some relationships can drain you to a point of death. friends, family, lovers.
your legs can’t hold, your arms can’t stand.
“give up”, it says, ‘”take your last breath”
“you are running out of blood”, “drain it all, turn pale and give up”
-but i love her! – he said
what do you do, when your body corners you to kill what you love?
what a delight it is. to come together as the children of God and fellowship. to sing songs of praise and call on the name of the Father who is the giver of all good gifts, the greater of all things. what a joy it is to be in the house of the Lord of His hallowed Sabbath. the 7th day of the week set aside for the creation to rest from their daily chores. tools and sorrow and all the foes that they face.
the Lord is good. thank you Father for the day of rest.
her simple “good morning” is like a huge slice of chocolate cake, covered with flakes and very sweet coconut icing.
the “how are you?” as a 2 litre fizzy drink to raise the glucose levels running in all his veins.
her laughter so beautiful, it’s like 1000 stalk sweets shoved up his through with a quick melt out into his muscles.
talking to her is a daily injection of energy that surpasses what a normal human body can maintain.
she gives him “the” sugar rush!