muse – uncertainties

i wanna call her babe but i can’t,

i’d seem too forward.

i wanna call her my girl, but i do not know if i am allowed to.

i know she has feelings for me, but i still can’t declare our « love »

i wanna call her my future wife, but i am scared of being accused of going ahead of time.

i wanna tell her that i miss her but i don’t wanna come out as clingy or too attached.

i wanna tell her i love her, but i am scared of her reaction.

she might tell me to go screw myself & i’d be like the other guys she always tells me about.

she has a heart as hard as a nut. hard to crack.

i used to be cold, she melted my snow.

now how do i crack open her heart and place my love in there? (though merely just a muscle)

i am a hopeless romantic, all these things come natural to me.

ntseme2017

22:52

16.12.17

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muse – it is it

instead of asking her to be his girl today (her last day before she leaves the country for holiday), something even better happens. they lock lips.

two weird beings slowly coming together in the game of biting. their well curved leaves touching in motion. hers soft as peach cuts, moist to the core.

the goose « pimples » running all over his body, (hers are permanent).

his cab ride back home, he cannot stop smiling. his smile widens with every meter he moves.

unbelievable? yes. he had scheduled this to the year to come. now that it is it, it is what it is.

he can only long for later.

to see her again, have her in his arms and tell her she is beautiful.

ntseme 2017.

01:01

8.12.17

last one

today is his last

or at least he thinks it is.

as the introvert creeps through his skin to escape, to take over the proclaimed extrovert.

he bids farewell to the one thing that calmes his mini anxieties.

rolled up so neatly he sees it burn

“if only it was longer” – he thinks

but tonight he is taking a step into the direction of fantasy.

(the fantasy they call reality)

ready to face it with nothing to aid him from running away from it.

its white curly fumes go up in hope that the greater one will hear his cry and set him free.

“goodbye my friend”

burn out.

his last monoxide.

23:38

6.12.17

go! now!

i just want to escape from all of it.
just get in a car, shut the windows, drive up north on a never ending journey.
away from the loud sound of moving cars, ambulances and people.
the irritating voices i hear every day

-SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, I NEED TO THINK-

my brain utters words clearly heard by it while i smile in discomfort.
i need to escape from it all.
i have a plan. take all their money and leave.
work so hard to leave.
the city is no place for a mini-depressed soul.

ntseme 2017
5.12.17
16:24

introvert in my extrovert

i am sitting in the 2:30am darkness in veranda. smoking this cigarette like it is my last. a lot see an extrovert in the daylight.

the introvert in me kicks in in my early am’s.

the darkness in me channels emotions of never ending pain and depression.

i light up another one.

each one reflects a different emotion.

love. hate. lust. sex.

where am i going?

the year ends.

where have i been?

5.12.17

02:32

ntseme – debut album

he wakes up earlier than before.

thankful to God for life.

for so long he has waited for this day and never seemed to come any closer.

if his pops was alive, he’d be very proud. moving around boasting about his son being a musician and having an album. lol.

his mom & granny already are.

he misses him so much.

in a few hours he will be on stage. everyone will be looking at him. listening and converting for better.

God gave him the songs. hopefully the songs will change his life and those that shall listen to them.

ntseme 2017

06:00

27.11

van mo is her name…

you are in love with her and cannot told her.

you spend time with her and still cannot tell her.

she looks so happy and you do not want to ruin it.

you have seen her with other guys and you stood there in silence.

years pass, you believe you are over her.

you meet her again, she is single and you still cannot tell her.

a few months later, you see her.

 “babe, this is my friend k…, k… this is my babe”

      -oh, hi babe!-

you all laugh but deep down your heart gets yet another deep cut.

eyes filling up with tamed waters.

5 years a slave of feelings you cannot express in respect of ‘the right time’

so, i say, forget the right time. say it now. tell him or her you are in love with them.

do not be like me. i am a broken child. cold as ice, seeking she who shall melt the snow.
ntseme 2017

22.11

20:34

muse – ii -the beginning 

i do not know where we are going,

i know where we are.

so far nothing is really showing

but it seems we will go far

moments pass without knowing,

like the swift of a fast car

all seems to be flowing,

like the tail of a shooting star.
my eyes open wide,

my brain stretches yonder.

my heart tries to hide,

my lips start to wonder:

‘shall i jump on this ride?

shall i let the brain ponder?’

words slip & slide,

away from the normal order.
ntseme 2017

7.11

20:45

muse – i

he sleeps fast today.
a feeling he has not experienced in what seems like eternity.
his eyes shuts, the music is playing, the smooth smell of the black soft pillow.
sweet thoughts of never ending bliss & ecstasy.
he sleeps fast today.
the short 5 minutes nap feels like hours of non-stop sleep.
he feels safe and sound.
the comfort of the bed as he lies on his belly, showing what the muse like the most.
he sleeps fast today.
“wow, you sleep fast”
-cause i felt safe and at peace-
the thought that no one will knock on his door this afternoon, no one will ask for cold water in this heat, no one will call out his name outside to open the gate.
the silence of the muse’s presence touches the depth of his soul.
the muse knows it, he knows it too. perhaps the time and space denies the opportunity, but the same time and space shall allow the possibility.

ntseme 2017
6.11
16:02