Not Yet

my heart is pounding like it wants to leave my rib cage. this is when you look at God and say Thank You a thousand times. I Almost got hit by a car while waiting for a combi at the bus stop. I literally froze and looked at this government car coming my way. The old lady next to me shut her eyes and waited as she also watched her fate.
But God said: NOT TODAY. NOT YET.

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what if…

-what if we get married-
he speaks just as he opens the door to exit the car, after they hug.
“i have thought about it”
his heart beat slowly elevates.
-when did you think about it?-
“some time back. and recently”

the last time they spoke about such things she highlighted the fact that she is 2 years old.
question is: when does age matter and when doesn’t it?
he has had this thought for quite sometime now. thinking about the home they’d have and all the beautiful memories they’d make together.

-we’ll talk-

they share a short stare in the darkness of the car.
of course they could not really see each other’s eyes but their heads said it all.
he shuts the door, she drives off.
with a smirk and a nosey laugh he whispers as though addressing her,

-what if…?-

ntseme2018
23.5
21:06

muse – last sight

he is sitting here with her in a room that used to be his safe haven from all the pressure of his surroundings.
the smell of a million flowers that meets his nose when he enters commands an army of a thousand soldiers to shoo off all butterflies that will soon fly in his tummy when his eyes meet hers.
it has been almost 4 months since she called things off.
she is still as beautiful and calming as before.
today might be the last day they are seeing one another. she is going on winter break (southern africa) for two months, by the time she returns he will be settling in tallahassee.

she was able to maintain her petite caramel body for this long that he recognises every part of it.
the lines on her face as she smiles, the smooth yet goosebumped skin. the perfect well rounded lips. damn.
AND, her perfect feet.
his heart pounds vigorously when she exposes them. nails painted in shinny maroon.
(somehow whatever color she wears suits her.)
he says goodbye to her silently, remembering all the kisses, long hugs, silly jokes, ‘come’ joke, laughs so hard that they almost peed their pants.
he eats the banana she offered her and takes in a deep breath to store her sweet odour in his brain to remember.

“*goodbye my muse* you look like a horse rider.

ntseme2018
3:33pm
21.5

void

there is something missing in my heart
i take in a deep breath and feel this void; emptiness.
i have tried it all: love, hate, toxins, church,
but still, something is missing in my heart.
what is it?

ntseme 2018
14.5
08:34

Trouble In Paradise

For almost one year I have been in my own little paradise at work; no troubles, chatting with students about everything. Full disclosure really. Little did I know that my day of doom is soon to come with a bang and some echoes of sound. Have you ever seen an explosion where the fire is followed by a cloud of smoke with a thin neck like a mushroom? I believe most nuclear weapons do that. Well, imagine that happening to your feelings. I did not know whether I was scared or numb or what. As she started, “I am going to start by raising a concern.” So I thought, “at least it’s just one concert.” But NOOO, a heap of concerns was dropped on my head. 

I am sitting here looking at her dead in the eyes, nodding and constantly uttering sounds of agreement to what she is saying to me. My hands are locked in front of me on top of the table. My head is facing hers. I can’t help but to notice that my hands are increasing in size. They are slowly enlarging like the time I suffered from a certain brain disorder that brought hallucinations and made all objects in the house grow large. The same disorder that made me run around the compound like a crazy boy (maybe I was) and left my mom is silence. It felt like my head was tilting slowly to my far right, so I had to keep adjusting my position on the not so comfortable chair. My heart was beating slower than normal. 

To be honest, all she said is true: about talking to my students about my girlfriend, telling them that I am leaving the institution and picking up the phone in class during a lessons. I did all that and I apologized for it all. After being notified of my error, I now see the danger it might cause in keeping my job.

After this, I go back to my office and sink myself in sorrow, regret, remorse and sadness. Sad because the people I trusted as my friends; people I can talk to about everything, decided to go and spill the beans to the parent. It was only one student really, the rest are innocent.

My word is, there is always a spy around. A spy that smiles with you and eventually sell you out to the devil. A spy that will bring trouble to your little paradise and turn it into hell. My lips shall be sealed from all my awesome stories and question. Welcome, strict, boring teacher. Meee!

ntseme 2018

11.5

2:58

gone lover

he almost sheds tear.
his lover is gone.

she did tell him but he brushed it off.

he will no longer walk in to dead face of a thousand hidden smiles.

he will no longer have their two and a half hours of private time per week.

his lover is gone.

chances are that he is going to leave too without ever be holding her eyes.

her squinted eyes. her slim figure stretched almost to his height.

her beautiful smile. her. beautiful. smile.

a rare smile that comes at rare times.

her lips. her soft, smooth, silk, cold, moist lips.

his lover. is gone.

her stubborn yet magnetic behavior.

she takes out the darkness in him, tests his patience for the better.

he is gonna miss the walk home, the edge to hold hands and fail to.

the edge to wrap their hands around each other but fail.

the tight private hugs.

he has a parting gift for her, but she’ll almost never get it.
“i miss you”
ntseme 2018

8.5

8:16

snowman SNOWMAN

It’s difficult to love when you have no love.

There is no way he can pour his heart out to her when his heart is filled with ‘black’

He lies a lot about how he feels. I mean, with a degree in theatre and lots and lots of practice, and an aim to attain his drama master’s this fall, he can easily put on a facade. Look her dead in the eyes and say:

“I love you. With all my heart” – deep down, he is cold as the snowman.

ntseme 2018

4.5.18

21:25

bye!

at this point he prays for a miracle to at least bump into her.
before long, there she is. less than ten minutes later.
she sees him see her. they share dashes of glances.
she keeps looking away while he stares.
finally he calls her name: she looks. dead face. lips like she just had something sour, rolls her eyes and looks away.
on the other side she signals someone. a guy. her ‘supposed’ ex-boyfriend.
he holds her neck and pulls her closer as he wraps his arms around her, and she stands there, dead as a log. no form of affection from her.
he grabs her by the waist ,but still, no response of affection from her.
HE stares at them as they walk away.

HE could almost feel the weight of her heavy heart.
She might have blocked HIM and stopped talking to HIM for over a week now but HE somehow deep down in his soul knows that she still kinda sorta loves HIM.
she probably does not want to hurt HIM.

ntseme 2018
10.4.18
18:00

patience

been waiting for 2 weeks and 6 days for them to say something.

I mean, they said they will say something after two weeks. Now it’s been almost three weeks.

Three weeks of sleepless nights and painful dreams.

Three weeks of constant checking of emails and texts and social media.

Three weeks of anxiety, worry, stress, inactivity, doubt, positivity, negativity and anger.

Three weeks of lack of focus.

Why?

Because this is all I want. This is everything I want now. Not need but want. You know how sometimes wants go beyond needs? Well, This is the that moment.

Will they will reply. Soon. I know they will. I trust they will. They are great people. They are awesome.

Let me wait. Let me be patient.

ntseme 2018

25.3

16:07

going to america!

i never thought in all these years, this would be the year i leave the continent for the first time, let alone flying for the first time.
it is scary, awesome, exciting, overwhelming, surreal, unimaginable and beautiful at the same time.
but i am going to america.
not europe, not asia, not australia, not antarctica (although i wanat to go there) but the united states of america.
leaving africa, my motherland.
of course i will be back, for some time, but a new life is what i have longed for, all my life.

my big sister asked me this earlier,[in my language]

“aa ga waa tshoga? (aren’t you scared)

– ke tshogile. mme ga ke tshoswe ke go pagama aeroplane, ke tshoga ke gore (i am scared. not cause i will be in an aeroplane. i am frightened by the fact that…) ‘i am living my dream. what if things go wrong?’-

“oskaawara. go tsile go tsamaya sharpo” (don’t worry, all is going to be well)

ntseme 2018
8pm
28.2.18